31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 4: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT III: BETTER WATCH OUT (1989)

The return of Ricky.

In the wake of the events of SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2, Ricky Caldwell has lain in a coma for six years, after being filled with so much lead he could use his dick as a pencil. The facility where he's being cared for also does experiments on psychics, one of whom is a blind woman who sees visions of the future, as well as receiving visions from Ricky's scientifically-regenerated mind. As the psychic and her bohunk brother journey to their grandmother's house for Christmas, accompanied by the brother's air hostess girlfriend, Ricky escapes and of course launches on a rampage, despite wandering out of the hospital clad in a medical gown and having his brain exposed beneath a steel-rimmed plastic dome. (When encountered by soon-to-be victims, none of Ricky's targets notice anything odd about him until it's too late, which is frankly ridiculous. He lurches about like Karloff doing Frankenstein's monster.) With psychiatrist Richard Beymer (Tony in the 1961 version of WEST SIDE STORY) and detective Robert Culp (I SPY) in pursuit, it's only a matter of time until all paths converge for a Christmas to remember.

 

A stultifying bore, this direct-to-video would have resulted in irate audiences nationwide had it played theatrically. I can picture a grindhouse audience that had come for blood and boobs yelling at the screen during sequences like when the detective and the psychiatrist drive to the grandmother's house end discuss the detective's car phone and its plan. There's minimal gore and nudity, and the film again resorts to clips from the first film to pad things out, though not as egregiously as seen in the previous entry. In short, with not one single scary moment to be had from it, this one is entirely skippable.

 

Promo poster for the video release. 

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 3: RACE WITH THE DEVIL (1975)

Not your average back-road barbecue.

Two married couples embark on a getaway in a tricked-out camper and while parked across the lake from what appears to be hippie revelers, the husbands witness a full-blown satanic ritual, including nude participants and the sacrifice of a nubile young woman. The cultists notice that they have been observed, and it's off to the titular races, with intent as lethal as the witnessed human sacrifice.

When affluent mid-1970's white people encounter satanists, all hell breaks loose.

RACE WITH THE DEVIL is one of the more original examples of the fallout from THE EXORCIST two years prior, and believe me there was a deluge of "devil junk" from all over the world in its wake. This one's a serviceable little thriller-cum-car chase actioner with a supernatural angle, fronted by Peter Fonda, my man Warren Oates, and Loretta Swit (in what be her most prominent role outside of the long-running M.A.S.H teevee series), but despite the clear and present menace of the satanists (and damned near everyone that the heroes encounter after being seen by the coven), it's tepid enough to be indistinguishable from several of the made-for-TV horror flicks of that era, and nowhere near as scary as some of the stronger examples. (For instance TRILOGY OF TERROR, DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK, and of course THE NIGHT STALKER.) It's worth a look, and once it's clear that our protagonists are facing a no-win situation, the ending thankfully does not cop out. Bottom line: it's a strong concept that only halfway lives up to its considerable potential. This one cries out for an R-rated remake.

Poster for the theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 - Day 2: WOLF MAN (2025)

The extreme and inevitable results of generational trauma.

As they are my favorite classical monster, I will always give werewolf movies a chance, and more often than not I get burned. Such was case with Blumhouse's attempt at revivifying the Universal Wolf man template for modern audiences in much the same way that they succeeded with 2020's take on the Invisible Man. Instead of a straight werewolf yarn, what we get is an examination of generational family trauma and how it affects its adult survivors, and also the damage done to their children. 

Raised by a super-strict survivalist dad deep in the woods of Oregon and deeply impacted by their harsh relationship, Blake Lovell (Christopher Abbott) finds his adult life marked by a strained marriage, but he does his best to be the best father that he can be for his daughter. When his father dies, Blake takes his family on what's meant to be a trip to settle his father's estate, but that will also serve to help strengthen the family bond. What no one expects is the presence of a creature that stalks the deep woods, a creature that Blake's dad's harsh parenting prepared him for with little or no explanation. Local Native American legens mention a disease that renders the infected feral and savagely carnivorous, and while driving to his dad's estate, Blake becomes infected and slowly loses his humanity while trying to protect his wife and daughter from the creature that inflicted its curse upon him. There is no cure, and it's only a matter of time before the beast wins out, and mother and daughter are stranded in the deep woods, god knows how many miles from anything even resembling help.

The premise is interesting and the depiction of Blake's slow transformation is a study in tragic agony, but if you are looking for a werewolf story along the lines of THE HOWLING, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, DOG SOLDIERS, LATE PHASES, or even the classic genre-defining 1941 THE WOLF MAN, you are shit out of luck. This WOLF MAN strives to be a study of the aforementioned trauma, as well as watching a loved one succumb to an incurable disease. It's not particularly scary, is rather dull, and in the end it's quite a disappointment and a squandered opportunity. I don;t even recommend this for werewolf purists. And, let's face it, the titular creature is simply not an actual lycanthrope. It's a person suffering from an infection. Instead, go for a re-watch of any of the aforementioned far better werewolf flicks.

 

                                                             Poster for the theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 - Day 1: NOSFERATU (2024)

Nothing like the love of an undead suckface.

So, a remake of the 1922 vampire classic NOSFERATU, from. the director of the superb THE WITCH (2015).

Basically Bram Stoker's DRACULA with character names changed, you know the basic story, so I won't bore you with a recap. What you need to know is that it's well-crafted and thick with eerie, dreamlike atmosphere, but it's also glacially slow and dull. The performances are all strong and that they kept the vampire a revolting monster instead of yet another rote sexy undead suckface seducer was a welcome bit of trope defiance, but I feel the same way about it as I felt about the 2010 remake of THE WOLFMAN. It came off to me like a particularly turgid and overlong installment of MASTERPIECE THEATER in Hammer drag, but Hammer's films generally moved briskly, were lavishly colorful, especially when it came to its signature bright red "Kensington gore," and I found myself connecting with the characters far more than I did with almost anyone in this remake. Yes, there are moments of genuine creepiness and eeriness, and some of the set pieces are outstanding — the squirming throngs of plague-infested rats are especially douche chill-inducing — and the sequences featuring the vampire absolutely deliver, but there's too little of him and far too much of the boring human characters, though there were standouts among them, with Lily Rose Depp being the MVP.

As for the fear factor, I personally found none of it scary, but it is undeniably eerie, so there's that at least. It's a very slow burn, with it taking far too long for the vampire to enter the narrative. In fact, it's a good half hour before he shows up at all, and the first half hour could have been excised entirely. The film could have been much tighter if it simply opened with the solicitor rendezvousing with Orlock's carriage and filled the audience in from there.

Orlock's scenes are great monster stuff — the way Count Orlock feeds is original and chilling, very beastlike — and when we finally get a decent look at him, he's a hulking presence that resembles what we got for the titular creature in KRAMPUS (2015), only minus the horns, beard, and Santa gear. This vampire is a predatory embodiment of disease, a living plague, if you will, and he exudes a malevolence that few cinematic vampires have wielded over the past four decades, so that was a plus. His decimation of several characters over a three-night period is quite nasty, including the unflinching depiction of him feeding on two adorable little girls. (Fuck spoilers. It's a monster movie, and monsters are gonna monster, provided that the filmmaker isn't a pussy, which Eggers certainly is not.) I just wish we had more of him instead of all the other Merchant Ivory costume drama.

Overall, I found this iteration of NOSFERATU to be an unnecessarily overlong slog, but I’m glad I saw it so I can join the discussion and write about it. That said, I won’t be revisiting it. The original silent version from 102 years ago is far superior, and I had a hell of a lot more fun with the vampire mayhem in 2024's ABIGAIL. Totally different flavor of vampire, to be sure, but I came to be entertained, not offered a Gothic soporific.

 Poster from the theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROIR 2025-Intro

Another year, another 31 scary items to discuss.

If I may be candid, it has been one hell of a year. I survived a cardiac arterial bypass graft procedure, I've been bearing witness to my 92-year-old cancer-ridden mother's slow fading away, and a bunch of other shit, so being able to retreat into daily doses of spooky stuff will be a tonic for my soul. This year will be the usual hodgepodge of the good, the bad, and the fucking ridiculous, so saddle up and get ready for the ride!

 -Yer Bunche 

 

NINE DAYS AFTER MY CARDIAC TRIPLE BYPASS

GETTING MY DUCKS IN A ROW

This is going to be a loaded week. After a long and informative chat with a close friend who's a doctor, I am heeding her advice and will draft up a document designating a medical proxy, and I will also have a long think ahead of sitting down and writing up a living will. I will never forget the nightmare Mildred went through when her mother died without leaving a will, and I will not inflict such misery upon my family. Instead, I will inflict upon them a clearly-delineated and fair distribution of my earthly treasures and meager assets.

I have a good attitude ahead of the bypass surgery, but I want to have my ducks in a row should the Valkyries come to claim me. Some of you will be consulted as I figure out who I would like to handle my estate in the event of my departure for Sto'Vo'Kor. (I would also accept accommodation in Valhalla.) Anyway, I have much to think about.

A SERIOUS REALITY CHECK.

 Two weeks ago, I was out walking around my neighborhood and I began experiencing chest pains, especially when walking the incline up President Street from 4th Avenue. I have been ultra-stressed-out due to five years of ongoing dialysis coupled with concern over my 92-year-old cancerous mother's declining health and mental acuity, most of which I kept bottled up while I soldiered on, so I suppose something had to give. Anyway, heeding the warnings of my body, I immediately checked in with my cardiologist. He gave me an EKG and a genral examination, and he ordered me to report to Mount Sinai's Morningside hospital's cardiac facility for a more thorough evaluation. I went the very next day and underwent a cath scan, and when all was said and done. I was told I would need a cardiac bypass. I was then given the basic information on what to expect and prep for going forward, and I was given an appointment for a consultation with the surgeon who would be performing the procedure. That appointment happened today, so I arranged for my Wednesday dialysis to be moved to Thursday, which means I will be doing two days of dialysis back-to-back. I just got back from my consultation with my cardiac surgeon and his fellow, so here's the skinny:

Three of my coronary arteries are calcifying, largely due to my kidney disease, and also because my stents simply can't handle the accelerating calcification anymore. In fact, the major stent is almost completely blocked, specifically for the artery called "the Widowmaker," so me heeding my body and going in to get checked out a couple of weeks back was definitely the right move. We are talking a triple bypass and, yes, it is open heart. The admission info is documented below, so keep it hand if needed.

 

I will be admitted on August 6th at 10am, with dialysis being performed at Morningside either on the 6th or the 7th, and with testing being done on the 7th. The surgery will occur on the 8th and the procedure will take around four hours, after which I will remain intubated and sedated for six hours in the ICU. Once that's done, I will be taken to a private room, where I will remain for 5-8 days. During my post-op recuperation, I will receive physical therapy, and if all goes well I will be released. If not, I will be sent to a rehab facility, so I'm going to warrior up and give my physical therapy my all. (To bolster the warrior frame of mind, I am looking into obtaining either a horned helmet or a winged helmet to be worn during my convalescence.)

 

Once back at home, they will assign me a nurse who will periodically drop by to make sure I am okay and doing everything right with my post-op care. And I'm looking at about a month of recovery with soreness, so I hope they hook me up with some bitchin' painkillers. 

 

So, that's what's going on. I will keep you informed as things progress, and if I accept any visitors, they will be my closest circle only. As previously stated, I do not like visitors during a hospital stay, as visitors make me feel like I am obligated to entertain, while my focus is on healing and getting the fuck out of there. I will have my phone and my laptop and I will be in a private room, so communications will be open once I am out of surgery and after I am extubated and weaned off of the anesthetic. 

 

Your support is appreciated more than I can express, but now is the time for warrioring up, and subsequent focus on the healing.

 

 

My marching orders.

TODAY I AM 60

Yer Bunche, circa 1965.

 

Despite decades of hardcore drunken carousing, smoking as much weed as Cheech & Chong, eating lots of food that's bad for me, surviving multiple stents being placed in my ticker due to congestive heart failure, years of torturous atopic dermatitis (now cured thanks to Dupixent), and enduring late stage kidney failure and thrice-weekly ongoing dialysis for the past five years, Yer Bunche has somehow made it to age 60. I have to spend my birthday enduring yet another dialysis session, but at least I still live to spread my madness. "HOKUTO SHINKEN WA MUTEKIDA!!!" 

 

Yer Bunche today.

 

"RUN AWAY!!!" Celebrating 50 Years of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975)

I just attended Fathom Events' 50th anniversary screening of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975), the film I have seen countless times since discovering it at age ten. I went With dear old friend Matt Snow, whom I met nearly a half century ago, and one of the many things our adolescent sensibilities bonded over was our love of all things Monty Python. Some things you never outgrow.

Me representing as Tim the Enchanter, and Matt, wielding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

If I had to guesstimate, it was an audience of perhaps thirty people, many of whom were under-16s who had been brought by parents.I wonder how they processed the film, and Python in general, because Python's bizarre style has been well-absorbed into the global language of comedy over the past 55 years, so does their flavor have the same kind of seismic impact on today's youth as it did on my generation? I kinda doubt it, and it saddens me to think that works such as this may now reside in the "you had to be there" category. Nonetheless, MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL remains my personal pick as the funniest film ever made. Definitely not for all tastes, but its utter absurdity has always resonated with me.

Representing with a female Sir Bedevere cosplayer, Note her bag: a duck. If you know the movie, you get it.